Get ready: Misbehaving elf is on his way!

RaeLynn Ricarte
Editor, Statesman Examiner

Be of good cheer! Don’t let the sorry state of political affairs in this nation get you down, or the reality that most of our holiday activities will be curtailed due to the continuing COVID-19 crisis. You need to get ready to laugh and have some fun because we have a special visitor coming to Northeast Washington!

Fritz the Elf arrives this week and will be camping out at the Deer Park Tribune office in Deer Park until Christmas. He is a naughty character who managed to get into so much trouble at the North Pole that he has been sent by Santa to find the Gift of Christmas. Santa is hoping the search will settle Fritz down and provide him with a much-needed sense of purpose.

However, the outcome of this mission is uncertain because Fritz has a loonnnnggg way to go in the maturity department — but Santa has expressed confidence in the ability of area communities to turn things around.

Toward that end, Fritz is going to need friends, so we invite local families to share photos of their resident elf that can be published in the weekly paper or posted on Facebook. Plus, we welcome tips about how to train Fritz to become a more productive member of society. If there is any hope for this errant elf, it is in the fact that he landed on the east side of the state where people do seem to have some common sense.

Every week, Fritz will visit a business in the area and this column will provide clues about where he is hanging out. The first person to solve the mystery and send us a photo at the business with Fritz will win a prize. Even though only one prize will be awarded each week, we will print or post all photos we receive of the actual smart people in town.

If you see Fritz wandering the streets, feel free to greet him — but know that he is usually up to something and you don’t want to get caught up in his hijinks because it could land you in hot water, or possibly jail.

Here are a few rules of engagement provided by Santa that we should all heed:

  • If you tell Fritz no, he will immediately feel challenged to show you that it can be done. This trait has led to a shutdown of toy production at the North Pole due to melted gumdrops in the conveyor belt mechanisms (long story) and a revolt by the reindeer after their noses were all painted red in their sleep so they could “match Rudolph.”
  • Never allow chaos to reign in any form because Fritz is drawn to the action and usually makes the situation far worse. He has been fascinated with this year’s rioting and looting in so many major cities, which is why Santa sent him to a region of the U.S. where people respect the rule of law.
  • Fritz hates gingerbread men out of the belief they are secretly planning world domination. Conversely, he loves gingerbread houses because “where else can you eat your way out of a timeout corner?”
  • The favorite word of our mischievous elf is “oops” and, if you hear it, look around immediately because something has probably gone horribly wrong in your home or office.
  • Fritz thinks he can dance and is on top of every new move; however, he usually ends up tripping over his own feet and making a total fool of himself. Feel free to dare him — he can never turn down a dare — to show off the shuffle dance anytime he irritates you, and grab a few photos to use as blackmail.
  • Although Fritz likes to think of himself as a “tough guy,” he is actually rather ticklish and prone to giggling, which has gotten him caught in the middle of an escapade more times than Santa can count.
  • Extreme foolishness makes Fritz unafraid of just about anything. Therefore, we suggest that you don’t urge the elf, no matter how irritating he is, to go out into the Colville National Forest with all of its predators unless he is packing.
  • Although he makes a great motivational speaker, Fritz is considering a run at elected office and should be discouraged at all costs. If he approaches you about joining his campaign team, refuse immediately but politely. If you laugh or criticize Fritz for his lofty ambitions, you and future generations of your family will mysteriously show up on Santa’s “naughty” list. Or, your chimney could be stuffed full of reindeer poop so Santa can’t make his annual visit.

Putting Fritz into an elected office would be akin to — well, never mind.

With that background generously provided by Santa, we should all be ready to greet the newest resident of our region next week. And, seriously, if this visit goes bad — it is 2020!